codedot | Entries tagged with humour

http://ivan-gandhi.livejournal.com/2404418.html?thread=32857666

Her Diary

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary

My code is broken, can't figure out why.

Кто может скорректировать шестнадцатеричное число?

A 0 0 B

Задействуйте свои проверочные колбочки!

Знаете ли вы, что 256 бит достаточно, чтобы хранить свыше 10¹⁶ возрастов Вселенной в планковских единицах измерения времени? Это наименьшая степень двойки, дающая достаточно места, чтобы хранить возраст, диаметр и массу Вселенной в планковских единицах измерения:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Planck_units

Предлагаю отныне не мелочиться, а выбрать машинное слово размером в 32 байта раз и навсегда.

Тип uint256_t - наше все! В прямом смысле этого слова.

#include <inttypes.h>
#include <stdint.h>
#include <stdio.h>
#include <time.h>

main()
{
        uint256_t age = getage();

        printf("Happy %" PRIu256 " Planck times!\n", age);

        return 0;
}

#if 0
#include <stdbool.h>
#endif

#include <stdio.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
#include <string.h>

static enum bool {
	true = 0xdead, false = 0xbeaf
} bool;

static enum cast {
	const_cast,
	dynamic_cast,
	reinterpret_cast,
	static_cast
} cast;

static struct class {
	struct class *namespace;
	int explicit;
	int friend;
	int mutable;
	int private;
	int protected;
	int public;
	int virtual;
} class;

static catch()
{
	return 0;
}

static try()
{
	return 0;
}

static throw()
{
	return 0;
}

static delete()
{
	return 0;
}

static export()
{
	return 0;
}

static usage(str)
	const char *str;
{
	fprintf(stderr, "Usage: %s id type op\n", str);
	exit(EXIT_FAILURE);
}

main(argc, argv)
	char *argv[];
{
	void *new = &class;
	char *typeid, *typename, *operator;
	int this;
	int using;

	if (4 > argc)
		usage(argv[0]);

	class.namespace = new;
	typeid = argv[1];
	typename = argv[2];
	operator = argv[3];
	this = !strcmp(typename, "this");
	using = atoi(typeid);
	printf("ID#%d is %s\n", using, this ? "mine" : "yours");
	return 0;
}

http://pubs.opengroup.org/onlinepubs/9699919799/utilities/c99.html

-O  optlevel

Specify the level of code optimization. If the optlevel option-argument is the digit '0' , all special code optimizations shall be disabled. If it is the digit '1' , the nature of the optimization is unspecified. If the -O option is omitted, the nature of the system's default optimization is unspecified. It is unspecified whether code generated in the presence of the -O 0 option is the same as that generated when -O is omitted. Other optlevel values may be supported.

P. S. А когда Остин очень-очень хочет, но никак не может, получается

http://pubs.opengroup.org/onlinepubs/9699919799/utilities/logger.html

Это музыкой навеяло:

alexo@euromake:/tmp/and$ cat and.c
void *
true_(x, y)
void *x, *y;
{
        return x;
}

void *
false_(x, y)
void *x, *y;
{
        return y;
}

void *
bool_[] = {false_, true_};

void *
and(x, y)
void *(*x)(), *y;
{
        return x(y, x);
}

main(argc, argv)
char *argv[];
{
        int x = argv[1][0] - '0';
        int y = argv[2][0] - '0';

        return (true_ == and(bool_[x], bool_[y]));
}
alexo@euromake:/tmp/and$ cat Makefile
all: and
        ./and 0 0; echo $$?
        ./and 0 1; echo $$?
        ./and 1 0; echo $$?
        ./and 1 1; echo $$?

clean:
        -rm -f and
alexo@euromake:/tmp/and$ make
cc     and.c   -o and
./and 0 0; echo $?
0
./and 0 1; echo $?
0
./and 1 0; echo $?
0
./and 1 1; echo $?
1
alexo@euromake:/tmp/and$

Про ЖЖ:

— Так… Товарищи! У нас сегодня диспут! На любую тему. Столкновение разных мнений. Утверждение! Возражение! Вот вы, гражданин из первого ряда… Идите сюда! Подойдите! О чем вы хотели бы поспорить?
— Я?
— Да, вы. Именно вы! Я вчера с вами говорил. Вы были таким темпераментным, запальчивым. Вот теперь здесь, на сцене, попробуйте отстоять свое мнение. Покажите, как это делается! Итак, что вам не понравилось?
— Где?
— Вчера. Вам что-то не понравилось. Вы спросили.
— Мне все понравилось. Я еще вчера говорил, что мне все понравилось.
— Ну, это не разговор. Вот, к примеру, мне не нравится ваш галстук!
— Мне тоже! (Сорвал, выбросил.) Тряпье!
— Ну, постойте… Вы не понимаете. Это диспут. А диспут — разговор, где сталкиваются разные мнения. То есть если я «за», вы должны быть «против». У нас должен быть спор, понимаете? Я считаю, что в семье должен быть один ребенок. А вы возражайте!
— А я считаю, что и одного много.
— Нет, вы возражайте!
— Я возражаю!
— А вы возражайте.
— Я возражаю!
— Вот. (После паузы.) Вот. Почему вы возражаете?
— Я возражаю.
— Почему?
— Я возражаю.
— Нет, но почему?
— Я возражаю.
— Это хорошо. Но почему вы возражаете?
— Я возражаю.
— Нет. Вы так просто не возражайте. Вы должны говорить — два.
— Два.
— Вот. (После паузы.) А я считаю, один.
— И я считаю, один.
— Вы же говорили, два.
— Два.
— Вот. (После паузы.) А я говорю, один.
— Два.
— Вот. (После паузы.) А я говорю, один.
— Два.
— Вот видите, уже спор. А я говорю, один.
— Два.
— Вот, чудно. Так что я говорю: один.
— Два.
— Так, один.
— Два.
— Один.
— Два.
— Ну, спорьте, спорьте… Один.
— Два.
— Ну, вы спорьте, возражайте… Один.
— Два.
— Один.
— Два.

Жванецкий

Замечательная иллюстрация к соответствующей статье в Википедии:

Виктор Васнецов. Витязь на распутье. 1878 год.

Я тут вспомнил тот единственный веселый период (не то что все предыдущее и последующее унылое говно), когда учился в старших классах и занимался в ЗФТШ, где подружился со многими ребятами. Мне тогда в первый раз и попали в руки «Хроники лаборатории». Это, пожалуй, самое смешное, что я когда-либо читал.

Не сразу удалось найти полный вариант, поэтому, как только нашел, решил выложить одним сплошным обычным текстовым файлом. Если кому хочется снова взглянуть на этот шедевр, то вот адрес:

https://raw.github.com/gist/1793367/de9171981772d3bb871ec8eb6dc0e1cf0e075928/full.txt

Форматирование местами поехало, правда, ну да не так страшно. Подборку взял отсюда.

Оказывается, профессор Барендрегт — автор не только известной монографии и многих фундаментальных работ в лямбда-исчислении, но и следующих публикаций:

Buddhist Phenomenology, Part I.
Proceedings of the Conference on Topics and Perspectives of Contemporary Logic and Philosophy of Science,
Cesena, Italy, January 7-10, 1987, (Ed. M. dalla Chiara), Clueb, Bologna, 1988, 37-55.
[Experience with vipassana; the three fundamental characteristics of existence.]

Mysticism and beyond, Buddhist Phenomenology, Part II.
The Eastern Buddhist, New Series, vol XXIX, 1996, 262-287.
[The cover-up model of the mind, a contemporary view on the four nobel truths.]

Brain distribution and evidence for both central and neurohormonal actions of
cocaine- and amphetamine-regulated transcript peptide in Xenopus laevis.
E.W. Roubos, Lázár, G., Calle, M., Barendregt, H.P., Gaszner, B. and Kozicz, L.T.
Journal of Comparative Neurology. 507 (4), pp. 1622-1638.

Effect of starvation on Fos and neuropeptide immunoreactivities in the brain and pituitary gland of Xenopus laevis.
M. Calle and T. Kozicz and E. van der Linden and A. Desfeux and J.G. Veening and H.P. Barendregt and E.W. Roubos
General and Comparative Endocrinology. vol. 147. pp. 237-246.

Evidence that urocortin1 acts as a neurohormone to stimulate alpha-MSH releasein the toad Xenopus laevis.
M. Calle and G.J.H. Corstens and L.C. Wang and T. Kozicz and R.J. Denver and H.P. Barendregt and E.W. Roubos
Brain Res. vol. 1040. pp. 14-28.

Opioid peptides, CRF, and Urocortin in cerebrospinal fluid-contacting neurons in Xenopus leavis.
M. Calle and I.E.W.M. Claassen and J.G. Veening and T. Kozicz and E.W. Roubos and H.P. Barendregt
Trends in Comparative Endocrinology and Neurobiology. vol. 1040. pp. 249-252.

Reflection and its Use, from Meditation to Science.
Spiritual Information, 100 perspectives on science and religion. Edited by Ch.L. Harper Jr..
Philadelphia and London. Templeton Foundation Press. pp. 415-423.
Dutch version: Reflectie: van Wetenschap via Meditatie tot Lambda Calculus.
Wijsgerig Perspectief. vol. 44. 2004. pp. 39-54.

Вот такая трава.

The best bug report I ever read:

I bought an Axiom 61 for a christmas present (to myself) a few weeks before christmas, opened it on christmas day (excitedly), powered it up and felt really happy and content. Later that day I powered the Axiom down, went to sleep and had a terrible nightmare and all my old friends from school were there and William Chang got eaten by a cuttlefish. When I woke up I knew that this day something horrible would happen because my dreams often predict the future with startling accuracy. I decided to write a song about my dream so I went to my computer, turned on the Axiom and went to make a cup of tea but I got distracted by the neighbour's cat that was in my backyard sleeping on my chair and I gave it a bowl of milk. When I returned inside, I started up Ableton Live, but to my dismay when I looked at my Axiom, the screen was blue but with no data displaying, and the Nul and Zone/Group buttons were also lit up. With nothing left to live for I travelled the globe searching for new and erotic experiences and now upon my return I must send my Axiom for repairs. I hope this doesn't happen with the replacement because I am now 93 years old.

Daria is a TV animated series by MTV Animation. My [attention: the first usage of this word in my - oh, the second one - blog] high school time passed in similar style.

http://www.mtv.com/shows/daria/series.jhtml

Below is my own compilation of its transcripts, namely, the first two episodes' ones: Esteemers and The Invitation. Just in case if you [yet another word in my blog vocabulary] do not know, there are two kinds of people thinking there are more meaningful tasks I can handle than I do now: who hire me, and those going to hell.

( Here we go... )

Portal is a single-player first-person action/puzzle video game developed by Valve Corporation. There are also two unofficial versions of the game: "Portal: Prelude" (prequel based on the same Source engine as the original one) and "Portal: Flash Version" which can be run in a Web-browser.

Below, here's a list of favorite quotes from GLaDOS, a fictional artificially intelligent computer system guiding the player's character:

"The Enrichment Center promises to always provide a safe testing environment. In dangerous testing environments, the Enrichment Center promises to always provide useful advice. For instance, the floor here will kill you. Try to avoid it."
"Have I lied to you? I mean, in this room?"
"Your entire life has been a mathematical error. A mathematical error I'm about to correct."
"You've been wrong about every single thing you've ever done, including this thing. You're not smart. You're not a scientist. You're not a doctor. You're not even a full-time employee. Where did your life go so wrong?"

       ListShellHook
              This is like ListHook, but the whole argument is given to the shell as
              argument, and the input and output file are stdin and stdout.

              i.e.:
              ListShellHook: cat
              works but does nothing but useless use of a shell and cat, while
              ListShellHook: grep-dctrl -X -S apt -o -X -S dpkg || [ $? -eq 1 ]
              will limit the update rule to packages from the specified source pack‐
              ages.

- Manual page of reprepro(1)

If you are using a local overlay repository (a very advanced use of pbuilder usually used for backport archives), you will likely want to use a modified version of 'pbuilder-satisfydepends-gdebi'.

- Ubuntu Wiki, pbuilder HOWTO

#!/bin/sh

cat >>main.c <<!
#if 0
Dear John Smith,

Please increase my salary this month.

Best regards,
Poor Developer
#endif
!

git commit -m "Just profit." main.c